Take the Lesson

August 21, 2024

By Keith Sones, seasoned utility industry executive

“I really don’t want to do this.”

“You have to Keith. You have no choice. You can’t leave him hanging” replied my wife.

I stared at the phone like a child looks at liver on their plate. They know you have to eat it but also know it will taste terrible. Reluctantly, I slowly picked up then handset, then hesitated. ‘Maybe I can do this tomorrow’ I told myself. ‘Perhaps he already knows’. Both thoughts were quickly extinguished as I heard my wife repeat “Go on, you have to do this”.

Slowly, painfully, I carefully entered the number then placed the phone against my ear. It felt like a red-hot iron, physically hurting me as I listened to result of the distant telecom switches connect the call. ‘Maybe he’s not home. It’s late in the evening. Maybe he won’t answer’. Then, after a few rings, I heard the familiar voice emerge from the earpiece. “Hello?”

Let’s back up. A few months before the phone call, I had become the operations manager of a regional electric utility. Accepting the role had required me to leave my previous job as manager of a smaller department and I felt an obligation to fill that position with a first-rate candidate. I knew just the person, a former colleague who I thought would be perfect. In my exuberance I had offered him the job and he had happily accepted. A win-win as far as I was concerned.

There was, however, one small glitch.

I didn’t have the authority to award him, or anyone, the position. 

I’d been naïve, thinking that since I’d been in the role it was my responsibility to fill it. However, the manager that oversaw the department had other ideas about other people and had opted to select someone else. I’d learned about his decision that day.

So back to the phone call.

I was a bit startled to hear his voice and most definitely uneasy. “Oh, hey Steve. How’s it going?”

“I’m OK” he answered. His response was followed by a pause as if to say “Hey dude, it’s late. At least act like it was you that called me”.   I cleared my throat. ‘Umm, yeah, there’s something I need to tell you.” Again, I was silent, waiting for him to say something, even though it was me who needed to talk.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Umm, well, you know, the job we talked about. Umm, it turns out that it went to someone else.” I cringed, awaiting his response and hoping it would be gentle.

It wasn’t. Nor should have I expected it to be. Over the years I’ve mentally blocked out his verbatim reply, like a car crash victim can’t recall what happened even though they were screaming in the middle of the road. But as Maya Angelou is attributed with saying “They may forget what you said but they’ll always remember how you made them feel”. He’d been excited and felt he’d do a great job. He’d told others he’d be quitting his current job. Now what will he do? How could I do this to him?

All of those thoughts were dumped on me with force. This was a person, a friend, to whom I’d made a promise that I didn’t keep. He’d accepted the job in good faith and I’d reneged. Once I found my voice I did my best to deflect the responsibility, working hard to blame others, saying I was overruled. But in the end, it was my fault. I should have consulted my boss before making any sort of offer. I didn’t. I had needlessly trashed his hopes and aspirations, and most importantly torpedoed our friendship.

That was 25 years ago, and we haven’t spoken since. And that’s on me.

If I’m looking for a way to see a silver lining in an otherwise storm of dark threatening clouds, that event left an indelible mark on me that has hopefully helped others. I had been given a ringside seat to hear what a person felt like when they had been dismissed. Cast aside despite the fact they did nothing wrong. It was not taken casually; indeed, it generated anger and frustration and a strong sense of loss. That’s what I created. I could choose to learn something or chalk up it up to “oh well, life happens”. Be it guilt or a sense of maturity, I chose to take the lesson and carry it with me.

In the past 35 years I’ve had 18 bosses through a series of different and increasingly responsible positions in five major organizations. During that length of time, I’ve been through company name changes and many re-organizations. I’ve been both the recipient of and facilitator of corporate acquisitions. There have been promotions, demotions, department transfers and constructive dismissal. My family have moved several times to several different towns and cities, sometimes eagerly and occasionally against our wishes.

And ironically, I’ve done all of those things to others.

At some point, probably during one of those idea generating times of boredom like a long drive or flight, it struck me that it would be a waste to go through all of that and not get something out of it other than a paycheque with a different name or a new address. And over time, once again gelling when my mind was otherwise unoccupied, I started seeing trends. More than just random events, better than just stories to tell my kids and grandkids, there were things I could write down. I’m not sure what the best headline might be. How to Deal with Change? Naw, every airport bookstore has five of those. Maybe Managing Traumatic Situations? Once again no – I’m not a professional in the field. Perhaps Why I Love and Hate My Job? Interesting but not very useful. So, it’s best I don’t try to conjure a name for the list below.  I’ll just blurt it out.

When you have to tell someone something they won’t want to hear, you really should know how to be empathetic.  If you stay in business long enough, particularly in management jobs, you’ll have to be the bearer of bad news. You’re laid off. Sorry, no bonus for you this year. We love your work and need to move you to another city. You get the drift. When you tell them, think about how YOU would like to hear it. Don’t beat around the bush, just tell them, and tell them why. Offer them support. Let them talk and tell you how they feel, even if its not pleasant. Decisions need to be made, but you can soften the blow.

Change is the best way to improve your life. I know this sounds trite, like it was extracted from the pages of the latest self-help book. But think about it. Do you have a partner in your life? Do you love them and can’t imagine living without them? Well, before you met them you did. Something changed and you were the beneficiary of a life with this wonderful person. What about your job, or the home you just purchased, or that amazing restaurant you stumbled across that’s now your go-to? Big or small, something along the way shifted to make your life better. Before it happened, you didn’t know it would. So why would you think that other changes don’t also have the potential to bring you more joy and satisfaction?

As the inimitable Yogi Berra is credited with saying “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

Don’t spend too much time being angry.  Apart from winning the lottery or getting a surprise job promotion, you will also get some bad news in your life. It’s easy to generate a laser like focus on the person that you feel caused it and stay fixated on them. The manager that fired you. The bank or politician that raised your mortgage. Even the drunk driver that killed your brother. You’re expected to be upset, angry or even fly into a rage. Life can be hard. But don’t stay there longer than you need to. It will sap your energy, handcuff your ability to think and reduce the number of days in your life that you can enjoy.

People make decisions all the time. Some are good, others are bad. The results will speak for themselves. You will frequently run across decisions, made by your neighbour, manager or family member that you think are brilliant. Others might seem like they are vying for the “dumbest choice of the year” prize.

The best thing you can do is to learn from them so that your own choices, now and in the future, will be better. Your buddy opts to cheat on his wife, then she finds out and leaves him while his friends kick him out of the buddy club. Evidently a poor idea. Apple is created by making a product that the founders believe people will want, at a time when personal computers were just getting started. A spot of brilliance, based on the results. The company president believes business will grow because “we’re just better than the competition and people will keep hiring us”, then the business goes under. Turns out innovation and great customer service trump arrogance and history.

Decisions and the changes they breed are a fact of life. Considering that, we can choose to accept them or fight them, love them or hate them, but when the dust settles, our best option is to learn how to make better ones for ourselves and the sake of those around us.